Off Topic The clean cut

Getting rid of the things you don't need

Welcome to a new version of this website.

As you've probably noticed old entries/postings are not available anymore, they have gone the way of all unncessary -- they disappeared. In recent times i've though a lot about my representation online aswell as in the real world and, in relation to the postings, it crossed my mind that, for me it seemed, I tried really hard the last couple of month (and maybe years) to present an image of myself rather than truly be myself. So I started trying to develop new ways of thinking. I started to take harder and longer looks at things and I did aswell with my recent publications on this website. They didn't seem to fit anymore of my current way of thinking, of my current state of mind. So I simply deleted them, because there is no real value of keeping things around that do not represent the state of mind I was in when I wrote them.

For some people that may seem foolish due to the fact that with such a strict action I remove parts of the history of this site, but to be honest I don't really care about those peoples oppinions, but I will elaborate, this one time, a little bit more.

A new route

On the 12th June 2005, Steve Jobs gave his Comencement address in Standford. At this time I was ten and can't frankly remember what I was into at that time. Few years later though, right about that time I started to settle in with the thought that now my career will begin, I can remember that one of the first things I clinged on to when i started to work was that I was searching for orientation, for mentors, for guidance in the industry -- for great minds to teach me how to keep moving forward. I thought that this will make my way of thinking and doing more structured and will give it more sense. I already was a long time fan of Apple, and then one evening I came across that address on YouTube. I was 18 years old back then, but I can remember that the speech made sense to me. In the following year(s) I've tried to live up to the saying that one should keep looking until you find that one thing that keeps you going, that one thing that fullfills you, that one thing that will bring the purpose into your life.

But somewhere along the way I lost that hunger, that free state of mind, and I felt lost and that realiziation started something and all things came crushing down on me this year. I was devastated.

Though i remembered something, a simple piece off the great mind of Louis C.K. in the series Louie, it was:

"It's not your life, it's life. Life is bigger then you. Life isn't something you possess, it's something that you take part in and you witness."

This got me thinking again, and somehow it occured to me that there's always a next option. A new morning, a new route to take and we all think we will find a purpose in life someday, and maybe we will, but life has a bigger purpose because life is bigger then any of us and what would be the game worth if we aren't playing it?

Then, I had a pretty long conversation with a dear friend of mine a few weeks back, and I thought again about this speech. So I watched it again and send her the link to watch it. And then we talked about the sense behind it and about "connecting the dots" -- what you're only able to do when you look back but never as you go along. That is true and i thought "Why do I, a 21 year old software engineer question everything I do and think without knowing the outcome yet? Why am I so reserved towards myself?". From this point forward i tried (and still try) to keep my mind clear, healthy if you will, and this is also the reason why i don't see the point in keeping postings around that don't represent me anymore.

Appendix

I am reading this note again for editorial reasons, and while i was reading it i already started questioning myself again, if all those things i told happened really that way, if i was thinking those thoughts back then or if i just imagine this all for the purpose of a better story. And to be honest -- i can't really tell. My mind and my gut feeling though telling me that I should speak my mind, and so I will do.